i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I need moral support for this bender
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
