if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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