watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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