Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
