She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
