Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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