Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
