All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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