I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
