I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
