hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
In America we eat man semen.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
They took my balls.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
