My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
