i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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