Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
