Jerry, you need to find god
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
