I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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