So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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