So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
