my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
