I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
