i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
