So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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