He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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