watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
