There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
