And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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