At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
