i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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