i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
