I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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