Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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