I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
