honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
