Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
