birth control should be required to get into college
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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