I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
