1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
