He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
