Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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