I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
