She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
