WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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