Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
