Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
