i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
