Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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