well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
