TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
