I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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