1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
