Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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