Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
