he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
