I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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