And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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