you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
no you cant smoke seaweed
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
