apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
