dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
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In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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