I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
